I’ll always remember the day I came home after work one day to my beautiful wife asking me which onezee I liked best. She had been shopping all day and had looked forward all day to telling me that we were going to have a baby. We had been trying for about a year by then and were overjoyed to have a new life come into our home. For most families having a baby is the culmination of their relationship and the fulfillment of a giant purpose. We are no different.
And so I’ll also never forget the day twelve weeks later at the doctors office hoping that the doctor would be able to find a tiny heartbeat. It wasn’t there. Ultrasounds followed, and questions asked. The answer came one night I’ll never forget. I’ll always remember looking at my speedometer that night. It read 90. The temperature read 18. I was taking my babies to the hospital. But only one would leave.
Miscarriages are a funny thing. Unfortunately many people have to experience them. But they’re different for everybody. I remember feeling sad, embarrassed, ashamed, and like a failure. Why? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to answer that question. The emotions of losing a baby, no matter what their age, stick with you and are deeply personal. My experience has been very different than even Whitney’s. And we went through it together.
That’s been some three years ago and we still have not stopped trying to have a biological child. All the tests have been done. There’s no apparent reason we should not have had a baby by now. However, we started going down a different road after our miscarriage. On the 25th of May, 2011 Whitney and I decided we were going to adopt. It didn’t take long to decide where we were going to adopt from. Ethiopia! And so we chose an agency and began the journey towards our baby. We were expecting the process to last about a year, maybe a year and a half.
I’m writing this on the 17th of February 2013. You can do the math. That’s nearly one year 9 months. And as of yesterday we were expecting to wait at least another year and a half. As of today we have no idea. Last night I had a familiar feeling of disappointment, embarrassment, and failure. Last night we received a letter from our adoption agency announcing their closure.
We don’t know where we’re going to go from here yet. What we know is that our adoption is still in process. What we know is that we are going to be faithful to a baby who needs us. Mother Teresa said, “God doesn’t call us to be successful, He calls us to be faithful.” So that’s what we’re going to be. Faithful.
I can’t leave my driveway without making a turn. And I can’t get very many places without taking many turns and making many stops and starts. This is no different. I believe with all my heart that adoption is God’s heart. And so we are on a journey to His heart through our adoption. That journey will undoubtably come with twists and turns, stops and starts, and ending. We have no choice but to travel that path. If you’re in the same situation as us, join us. Join us in not giving up. Join us in hope. Join is in traveling. There is a purpose for all of us. That purpose is also in the heart of our Creator. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 Adoption has forever changed Whitney and I. It will continue to change us. It will continue to bring us to the heart of God. So we will not stop.
-Jake